psychobabble

i prayed heaven today / would bring its hammer down on me / and pound you out of my head / i can't think with you in it...

though i'm passed one hundred thousand miles, i'm feeling very still. snap out of it. they say everything can be replaced my fucking left foot. you're not making any sense. why is it every time i stop to think i feel wrong? man up, there's some one knocking and you're life is waiting. plus, you love this kid. every fool knows a dog needs a home. tonight was amazing. you were out. you were busy. you must have yelled "i love college" 12 times. how do you know i won't fail?

...something always takes the place of / missing pieces you can take / and put together even / though there's something missing.

a pledge

no one that reads this wants to hear about all the new people i'm meeting. i get it. i remember i stopped reading jaya's blog because i didn't care to hear about it. (no offense meant, babe.) this took me a while to understand. i guess i figured if i heard about my friends' new lives i would be a part of them still and vice versa. i'm no good at letting go. i'm sorry. anyway, the point of this post is this: i pledge to make this blog for you, the people who know the address now. maybe i'm stupid, but you are my home as much as wash u will ever be. i had two homes in high school; these are just further apart.

on my own

i've spent a lot of time with me these last weeks and a lot of time in union square. reading, tanning, dreaming, killing time. i suppose i'm not bad company. i figure i won't get much time just for me at college. but let's face it, if it were up to me, i would always have people around. that's not to say that i don't relish the occasional naked romp through my apartment when by some miracle it's empty. or making dinner for just me. but i can't be by myself without some sort of distraction: a book, an ipod, the green scarf i'm knitting, food. is that really being alone? i figured out why i smoke cigarettes by myself, too. they're just another prop to keep me busy. (which, i've found, means that they can be replaced by any other kind of distraction and thus become needless.) is it the new yorker in me that wants to be doing something at every moment, or just fixations? if i was at union square just sitting, would that be a distraction? i've tried that waiting for people there. i always resort to pacing. i'm debating the worth of challenging myself to an hour. i know i'm free tomorrow...