on my own

i've spent a lot of time with me these last weeks and a lot of time in union square. reading, tanning, dreaming, killing time. i suppose i'm not bad company. i figure i won't get much time just for me at college. but let's face it, if it were up to me, i would always have people around. that's not to say that i don't relish the occasional naked romp through my apartment when by some miracle it's empty. or making dinner for just me. but i can't be by myself without some sort of distraction: a book, an ipod, the green scarf i'm knitting, food. is that really being alone? i figured out why i smoke cigarettes by myself, too. they're just another prop to keep me busy. (which, i've found, means that they can be replaced by any other kind of distraction and thus become needless.) is it the new yorker in me that wants to be doing something at every moment, or just fixations? if i was at union square just sitting, would that be a distraction? i've tried that waiting for people there. i always resort to pacing. i'm debating the worth of challenging myself to an hour. i know i'm free tomorrow...