a toast

here's to tequila shots
here's to jessie horowitz
here's to gay pride

kindred spirit

there was a sparrow in the subway station today at 125th and broadway. i didn't mean to end up there—i was suckered by the D on a local track. i wondered how the sparrow got in here in the first place, if it had ever been on a train and if it missed the sky. it landed on the edge of the platform directly across from me, and turned my way. i had a piece of cosi bread in my bag. i broke off a bit and knelt down. the sparrow stayed perfectly still. i reached out in front of me and put the piece exactly in the middle of us. you won't believe me, but i swear she looked into my eyes. she was hesitating to get the bread and just looking at me. i wanted to know everything about her life in that one moment. i wanted to help her out of the subway. maybe she knew the way, but didn't want to go. she snatched up the bread and took off down the platform. i stayed on my knee until i couldn't see her anymore. when i got up, i had to wipe away a tear. she was a bird who had lost the sky.

maybe it's just sprained.

my bad night on the (real) full moon

i was walking towards st. vincent's just as the ambulance pulled up. four emergency workers pulled a stretcher out of the back on which a person lay, covered mostly with a sheet. the doors of the police car behind it opened and a family poured out. all in tears. they ran the stretcher inside and i looked in the window to see the waiting room for the er. it was all too familiar to be able to breathe right. i walked to jessie's anyway, and sat on her steps. i don't know how long i was there, but martha showed up, and i went in with her. it wasn't fun. it wasn't interesting. it wasn't enough of a distraction. while i was leaving come kids played a stupid prank on me. i'm sure i would have laughed any other time, but tonight it just wasn't okay. i must have said "fuck" 12 times. i went in because i thought there'd be kindness for me. "have a great waffle sundae," i said. it was my tradition before it was anyone's. i ran to the steps on the corner of st. vincent's, sat and cried. too much reminds me. i was sure my toe was broken. i wandered north and thought that the lights of times square looked like a nice place to get lost. so that's what i did, believing no one would call and no one cared.

randomness on father's day

sunday morning was my uncle's mother's funeral. i didn't know her well enough to cry. "life is short. death is inevitable," the rabbi spoke to the funeral-goers, most of whom were over 60. my only memory of something spoken at the service for my brother was my grandmother, sitting behind me, masked by giant sunglasses, saying to herself, "too young." i do remember a feeling for the space and the religion and the words of the rabbi. i thought then it was an awe of god. it wasn't. it was an awe that some one could believe so deeply what he's never personally known. now i find it pitiful. "do not question what you cannot understand. do not seek what is hidden," he told us. besides holding back a laugh when i expected "don't go chasing waterfalls," i was just angry. 'it's my right to question why the hell i'm here and why the hell people leave,' i was thinking, when i was supposed to be my most respectful, 'is that the genius of religion?' my aunt's speech was the only thing that made me feel anything. i smiled because i knew silvia was loved, not because i was assured god would be taking care of her. by the end of the service, i decided i want to be cremated.

we were home at 11. we changed. we got the kids. by the time we were in the car it was like the funeral was another day. we're never up that early, anyway. it was the first time i'd ever driven to yankee stadium.

i have no school spirit. none. i went to one sports event all year and it was for julie. ask benjie. my "go friends" was severely lacking. for the yankees, i can yell. i think it's because i'm yelling for my city. and because my dad loves baseball so much. or it's the effect of peanuts, french fries, a jumbo hot dog, and a tub of chocolate ice cream. on the way home i thought for the first time about how next year i won't be living with my family.

i was ready to go out again at 10.

i like pleasure spiked with pain

just one note
could make me float
could make me float away
one note from
the song she wrote
could fuck me where i lay
just one note
could make me choke
one note that's
not a lie
just one note
could cut my throat
one note could make me die...

i'm dying. but always in that good way.

"congratulations the class of 2005" —bo

"isn't that harry down there?" —me

"we're going to emerald's!" —ben

"i wanna see ids of everyone at the bar" —bartender
"here" —me
"yessss" —my head

"mmm so-co" —me and lia

"what to you think of my shoes?" —dan manian

"hey" —jeff
"hey jeff" —me
(i go to take a sip of my drink)
...
"he just disappeared" —dan

"tracy i'm beating you" —martha
"who martha?" —me
...
"ewwwwwwww" —everyone in the 5 block radius

"i mean, everyone would be welcome" —me
"except her" —me

"come here lia" —me
...
"woaaaah" —bart

"dance party without music!" —sofia
(dances) —me, sofia, dan hern, james

(hides along the side of the wall and peers head around the corner to see if some one's coming) —me
"boo" —jeff

(scoping out a potential climb) "it's doable. but dirty" —jeff

"ooo garbage men" —jeff
...
"anyone want a vase or some envelopes?" —jeff

"do you think if i hooked up with all the lifers that those two would be okay?" —martha

"please please please come back upstairs" —voice of phillip on martha's phone

"do you think i could just use your bathroom" —me
"sure" —guy cleaning up the bar that had been closed for hours
"do you think i could have a drink?" —me
"corona okay?" —guy

"hey martha, for our 13 years, let's make out" —eww #3
(takes picture) —ben

"hey martha, i don't care that you just hooked up with some one else, let's make out" —implied eww #1
(takes picture) —ben

"what are you smiling about, jeff manian?" —me

(spotting martha and phillip 4 doors ahead) "shall we stall?" —jeff
"or try to scare them?" —me

(throbbing in pain) —my feet

"6 am joe's" —jeff

"feta omelet" —phillip
"frech toast and bacon" —jeff
"fruit salad" —me
...
"goddamn i'm gonna have the worst heartburn after this. i can feel it already" —phillip
"i'm gonna get some tums or some rolaids and eat the entire package" —phillip
"even the wrapper?" —jeff

"huh" —jeff
...
"huh" —jeff
...
"huh" —jeff

"excuse me, it's 8.00, we're getting ready to water this grass now" —park staff
"i think it's officially time for bed" —me

"good night" —me
"good morning" —jeff
"oh goddamnit" —me

the best weeks ever.

my birthday. the killers. my two parties. poho. my play. prom. after-prom. fire island. graduation. grad-party.

'nuff said.

(more later....after get some sleep)

a two day birthday

"happy birthday" —sofia
"eeeeee!!!" —me

"so then the two holes meet in the middle of the apple..." —my dad
(holds ears) —me
"don't say i never taught you anything" —dad

"dude i need to buy lotto tickets" —me
(mr. meyer turns around)
"i swear i'm not a gambling addict. it's my birthday" —me

"mmm honey shrimp asparamaki" —me, martha, rie, dad and jennifer
"shuushi riice" —addie
"gurgle" —cole

"yayy strawberry shortcake" —shortcake -hayley +rie +philip

"happy birthday" —evan (covered in shaving cream dancing)
"open your present" —jonah, ben, evan, bart, and dan
...
"it's shaving cream" —martha
"hold the exits open. i'll throw it. we'll lock them out" —me
...
(throws it at jonah's face) —me
"ruuuuuuun" —lia
...
"go home now!" —rachel

---

the majority of the songs on hot fuss and a few i didn't know —the killers
"eeeeeee" —me

"yea, i'll come down and get you" —me
"umm, we're already upstairs" —davtay

"hey, katie, this is cj" —me
"hey, wow, he's really cute. dude, your boyfriend's a catch" —katie
"he's hot" —katie's friend
(to cj)
"you're hot" —katie's friend
"yea, you so are" —katie
"why thank you. i know." —cj
(clears throat) —me

[together
"tracy, tracy, we're stuck in the elevator and i don't know what to do" —martha
(elevator alarm rings)
"please, try and keep it down" —61
"tracy, i'm freaking out. the door won't open" (hyperventilates) —martha
(elevator alarm rings)
"you just have to keep control of what's going on" —61
"tracy, bart just took off his pants, i'm freaking out, and i don't know what to do, tracy, there are 11 people in here and it's so hot, and tracy, i don't know what to do" —martha
(door opens on 4th floor)

"here tracy this is for you" —danny and jeff
(i take out beer and gay porn from a plastic bag)
"the beer is from me" —danny
"yea, what, that's right" —jeff

"maybe if no one talks to ---- he'll leave" —martha

"tracy come here. do you know what this is?" —molly
(vlad, molly, sofia, tanya, jeff, ben, and julia are standing in a circle)
"it's 11th grade history! we need to get a picture" —molly
"ooo call over martha and david and kick out tanya, vlad and sofia and we'll have IR" —julia

"hey, fuckers whom i don't know, get your asses off my water tower. i wouldn't give a shit if you die, but i'd get in trouble" —me

"why are we all here" —martha
"yea, why did you call me away" —sofia
"i was in the mood for highlighting" —me
"oooo" —lia

"where the fuck are you get your dumb ass over here" —me
"we're downstairs" -alex
...
"dude, they are the weird college guys who come to high school parties" —martha
"but for that they'd have to be trying to get on the girls" —rie

"my drunk level is 5, my high level is a 3, so together they're a 9" —martha

"dude, who was that kid who just left with peter" —will
"my dad" —me

(crash)
"dude it wasn't me, it was claudia" —jessie
...
"it was not my fault, it was jessie" —claudia
...
"i swear that was there already" —jessie
...
"time for some duct tape" —philip
"just find a meteor fragment" —jeff
"do you think it'll rain anytime soon?" —me
(jeff investigates)

"dude, i'm stealing your girlfriend" —philip
(indifferent gesture) —cj

"where are my shoes" —bart
(laughs maniacally) —pucci
...
"warmer...warmer...pretty hot...colder" —molly
"ooo can i play?" —sofia

"jeff, climb up there and record them with this" —zeke
(climbs like a friggin monkey) —jeff

"wait, what about nestor and amelia playing house over there?" —me
"i say we leave them" —philip

"happy birthday" —cj